Where are you pulling this stuff from? You're not missing something, you're indulging in wishful thinking.
Here's how I tackle this kind of thing when I haven't a clue how something works:
1. Make a new document.
2. Make a new object
3. Explore the object in ESTK
I'm not sure that you have anything like ESTK in VB, so you may have to switch to JS to conquer this.
The first clue that there's something odd here is that you have to use the Hyperlinks panel to make a cross-reference. InDesign thinks of these things as hyperlinks.
Having made one, you can do this:
//DESCRIPTION: Exploring our one and only Cross Reference
(function(){ var xRef = app.documents[0].hyperlinks[0]; for (p in xRef) { $.writeln(p + ": " + xRef[p]); }}()
In my case, this produced:
hidden: false
name: Cross-Reference
source: [object CrossReferenceSource]
visible: false
highlight: 1852796517
width: 1952999790
borderColor: 1765960811
borderStyle: 1936682084
destination: [object ParagraphDestination]
id: 487
label:
isValid: true
parent: [object Document]
index: 0
properties: [object Object]
events: [object Events]
eventListeners: [object EventListeners]
isValid: true
Which means that the next thing to look at is the source object.
I'll come back with more when I get that far.
Dave